so i go back and forth on this frequently enough. i'm thinking about buying a car, again. previously i was considering buying a small hippie van, but i decided against it because it seems you need to invest quite a bit of money if you want to get anything that's reliable at all, and also gas is expensive!

i've been using zipcar for over a year now. it's come in really handy a few times but the costs ad up quite quickly, especially if you want to use the car to get yourself somewhere you'll be spending any amount of time. for example, if you wanted to drive to someone's house for dinner in say, surrey, and you're there for 6 hours, that's going to cost you over $70, even though you werent even using the car for 4/6 hours. not very economical!

there's also the car co-op, which i was considering. the billing model is different, and you pay based more on mileage rather than time. this would work for me if i was say, doing the radio show up at SFU. BUT, the reality is - i want a car for LEAVING the city.i want to explore the province and go on road trips! i want to go to seattle, portland, haida gwaii, golden, hotsprings, waterfalls, mountains, snowboarding! i get four days off a week, but i never leave the city due to the lack of car.

of course, there's always the option to rent a car, but that doesn't come cheap either. generally a four day rental is over $300, and when you think about it that way, and add in say one or two zipcar trips a month, it really doesn't seem to be as convenient as one might initially think.

i've been looking on the toyota website where you can buy 'toyota certified' used cars. being not mechanically inclined and having your dad live three provinces away makes buying a used vehicle fairly intimidating, so this seems like it might be a good option that comes with a bit more support / piece of mind for someone in my position.when i first saw a 2006 toyota yaris hatchback i was like OMG CUTE LITTLE POD CAR I WILL HAVE YOU. most people think they are hideous but i think they're cute. i know they're really good on gas and the insides of them are surprisingly spacious. so i think that's what i'll look at getting, mainly for the "it's the car i've always wanted and now i have it... i rule" factor. i can easily get one for under 10k, which i think is doable, and my plan is to coerce all my friends into coming on awesome trips with me so i'll have someone to help with paying for the gas.
and also - i can do what i want! if it's too expensive, i'll sell it and shake my fist to the sky. but honestly, i feel like i'm at a point in my life where i can own a car. i have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in city driving (because it's terrifying) but travel is something that i always list high up on my list of things i want to do, and this i know will be a huge step toward making this happen. there's also rad peeps who want to join me on the adventures too, so i think of this as something nice i can do for me AND my friends. it's time for me to man up and be 'the one with the car" because i CAN.

thoughts? advice? accolades? who's coming to san fran / portland / mexico / everywhere with me??? 

ROAD TRIP!

Things have been feeling a bit hectic in my head for the last little while, but I’m pretty sure I know what’s been bothering me, and right now it’s just a waiting game I have to play. I’m just really not a fan of the anxiety that’s returned. I haven’t felt it quite this persistently for a few years now, and it’s not fun. Being aware that it’s just in my head and my life isn’t actually imploding helps a lot, but I hate having to talk myself down from almost full blown panic attacks on such a frequent basis.

 

I got annoyed at the dread extensions and took them out. The short pink hair is back, only this time it’s a longer and I’ve finally decided fuck it, I don’t care. I have curly hair and now everyone else has to look at it. I’m going to let it keep growing so I can have long pink curly hair like the girl on the cyberdog website, because she’s rad. I almost never wear makeup anymore either, really only if I’m going out somewhere fancy or something. Sometimes I’ll still wear eye makeup because it’s fun, but I’ve just lost interest in smearing dead horse hooves on my skin just to try and fool people into thinking I have an even complexion. *

 

I mentioned it briefly last week, but Simon is now an outdoor cat! It’s a big change, but I can tell he is SOOOO happy to be outside. My neighbourhood is very cat-friendly – I live on an intersection of two bike paths that only allow one way, local traffic, so there’s not a lot of cars driving by that don’t live on my block. He mostly hangs out in the backyard and usually comes running when I call him, and then he follows me around and rolls around in the dirt and darts into the basement and always chills with me whenever I’m outside, which is really nice. It’s hard for me to not have him in the house but it’s worth it to see how happy he is playing outside. A lovely example of ‘if you love something…. LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’

 

I finally started using the juicer cay and ty lent me!! IT IS AMAZING. For breakfast I had fresh carrot apple strawberry spinach nectarine kiwi mango juice. For someone who hates cooking and loves raw fruit and veggies, it’s like the best thing ever. It takes a lot of fruit to make a decent amount of juice so I am experimenting with mixing it with store bought juice, which has been fairly delicious. I think making juice is something I could seriously get into…. Unicorn blood… ENERGY JOOOOOCE.

 

I’m going to Manitoba in a couple weeks! Do you live there? We should hang out! I’ll be in town sept 1-7^th and I’m actually REALLY EXITED! I haven’t really been back for purely recreational purposes since I left – usually I have been there for work, and last summer I spent like a day and a half there so that hardly counts. I’m hoping to get some good chill time in, check out some yoga and see laura get married! How normal.

*or whatever

Did you know that I’m uncontrollably squeamish when it comes to blood? if I think too much about it, I start to feel extremely nauseated and light-headed. It’s totally subconscious –logically it doesn’t gross me out or anything, but put me in a chair and make me watch people give blood or talk to me about blood or take my blood, and I’ll be white as a ghost and holding back puke within a minute or two. I think medical situations make it worse, like hospitals or test tubes or labs or anything. Ugh.  

 

Yesterday I was having an overly “meh” day, for no particular reason, I’m guessing it was mostly hormones. I got home and didn’t really feel like doing ANYTHING. No food in the house, but I didn’t want to go get groceries because I was tired. Hungry, but not wanting to eat any of the meager contents of my fridge. Tired, but too early to go to bed. A million things to do but no motivation to do them at all, which is pretty rare for me. So after starring off into space for an undetermined amount of time, a bit of hooping until I lost interest and having a shower, I remembered that it was Monday so there was a new episode of true blood! Well that will cheer me up for sure, right!

 

So obviously, there’s a lot of blood in the show, but I’m on season three and it’s never really bothered me before. Last night’s episode included two particularly bloody scenes in succession, the first where one of the main characters was mauled quite badly by a vampire, then then taken to a hospital and given mass blood transfusions.  Also I should mention, I’ve had almost no apetite for the last couple weeks, which is also a rare thing for me.  I made myself a grilled cheese while I watched the show, and just as I was sitting down to eat, things started getting pretty gory. I covered my eyes and suddenly had even less desire to eat my grilled cheese. I kept watching for a bit more, things got better, and then got way worse.

 

I started to feel really sick and dizzy. Tried to breathe it out. The scene got worse and I remember trying to turn it off but not knowing how. The next thing I remember I was slowly fading back to consciousness, with absolutely no idea who  or where I was, or why I was there. I couldn’t move or hear or see. I remember feeling like I was coming up to the surface from inside the earth, huge blocks of colours passing by me. I was covered in sweat, almost totally numb, shaking, with a loud buzzing in my ears. So disoriented. After about 5 minutes things started to make sense again and I managed to close the lid of my computer, turning off whatever was playing. I have no idea how long I was lying there for!  I sat on the couch and felt like I was going to pass out again, or puke, or float into space. I crawled on the ground over to my window, stuck my head out and gulped cold air and water until the buzzing in my ears faded. Crawled to the fridge and pulled out some humous and tomatoes and ate some sitting on the floor, and then staggered outside to sit on the step and called cayley, then aicha, to talk myself back to reality. Went and laid on the picnic table until I felt human again, called simon until he showed up (he’s an outdoor cat now) and then went back inside and fell asleep.

hi dear lovejournal,

i certainly have been neglecting you as of late. i thought this day would never come, but it seems as though the instantly gratifying allure of micro-blogging has taken over the majority of my cyber-braindumps. never fear though, i do take time to read all of your posts on a regular basis, and do thank you dearly for continuing to contribute them. but now i shall offer one in return.

i've decided i am not going to do the radio show @ SFU. i was really excited about it initially but reality has sunken in that it's just really not what i want to be doing with my time right now. to do it i need to buy new gear and somehow find a way to have access to a car that i don't have to drag said gear up to the top of a mountain in the middle of the night to do a show i can only go to 50% of the time. so much stress, for what? superficial narcissism. sure, people listen and enjoy the show, but i think the only reason i was going to do it is so i can have the satisfaction of telling people i'm a radio dj. who cares. i can record mixes and put them online for people to listen to just as easily, and that way i can do it on my own time and not have to worry about show logs and ads and cancon and blah blah.

i feel like i've just really lost interest in a lot of the superficial "culture" i've been surrounded with for the past 10 years. i'm not turning into a hater, nor am i renouncing my past. i still love all the music i've always loved, but i'm tired of it being my main source of community. dance parties allow you to meet a lot of cool people, but you don't develop real relationships in those spaces. i 'know' so many people.. but not really. being friends on facebook doesn't count. i want to start focusing on meeting people in my neighbourhood and making actual friends with them, rather than just being casual acquaintances with a zillion people i see when im out at the club, which i may or may not actually have anything in common with in real life.

also, cayley and i are starting a band and apparently i'm the guitar player. she was going to play guitar and i flute but then we realized that she's like a genius on the flute and i've actually played guitar before (not well, mind you) so we're like, ok switch. i'm not sure it's good for my wrists though, because it strains similar muscle groups as using a mouse /keyboard does, so i might not be able to keep playing. but i've been practicing a bunch and it feels sooo good to be playing real music again.

the reason i started DJing was because i loved techno, but also because i never had anyone to jam with when i was younger (not properly since shags' and i's trumpet / euphonium rock out sessions back in grade 7!) especially not someone that i really connected with creatively with, and jamming with people can be a pretty intimidating environment when you've never done it before. but that's not the case anymore, because we're totally not competitive with each other, but rather both find the other wonderfully supportive and inspiring. (<3 cat ranch)

i'm so excited to play real music again, and with someone who is awesome. i think it's going to bring a lot of joy to both of our lives, because it is so rewarding to be able to share something like that with someone. hurray for CREATING and not just CONSUMING culture!

i think i'll end up playing the bass and rocking mad beats with synthesizers. she can sing the bejesus outta those notes and write mad poetry, so together we make a sweet team.

it makes me happy to know that our internet boyfriends are friends IRL too. you have to read from the bottom if you want it to make any sense.


# rap makeouts! 14 minutes ago via web

# @joeycomeau #biologylessons 6 minutes ago via web in reply to joeycomeau

@ryanqnorth I was thinking, my friend, that we don't gotta fight, I bought champagne and condoms, let's make this right. 14 minutes ago via web in reply to ryanqnorth

@joeycomeau sperm was already there, you're just making it appear / but that doesn't make it / any less sincere 7 minutes ago via web in reply to joeycomeau

That last bit makes more sense if you know that I actually am living in @ryanqnorth's house, in a loft area. 18 minutes ago via web

@joeycomeau sex is complex, but let's figure it out / yo, i'll be the countryside, you be the scout 13 minutes ago via web in reply to joeycomeau

@joeycomeau you watch me sleep, i know that dude / why else would i sleep all nude / keepin' everything down there nicely shampooed 19 minutes ago via web in reply to joeycomeau

@joeycomeau speakin of that a few verses back/you were talkin bout MY mom not yours, so wack/she's happily married for years, you know that

@ryanqnorth you got a pretty smart mouth when you're hurting my feelings, like you forgot that you sleep and I'm up in your ceiling. 19 minutes ago via web

@joeycomeau like only two verses and you're talkin incest / that's messed, what you got repressed / though your mom DOES have nice breasts 26 minutes ago via web in reply to joeycomeau

@ryanqnorth Ryan North your inelegance makes me sick, like you were were your mother, and I was my dick. 25 minutes ago via web in reply to ryanqnorth

@ryanqnorth you are a terrible rapper / like you got all confused / and thought my ears were the crapper / which means toilet 30 minutes ago via web in reply to ryanqnorth

@joeycomeau your raps don't rhyme and you're biting my style / better sit down this might take a while / while all your rap faults i compile 30 minutes ago via web in reply to joeycomeau

oh jesus @ryanqnorth - worst free style rapper I ever heard. but at least he NEVER STOPS. #nojurywouldconvictme. 35 minutes ago via web

@joeycomeau i think i've been challenged to a rap battle, what do you say / i'll rap at you basically every day / weekends off though okay?

this was an email i wrote in a rush this morning while basically freaking out about life.

################################################################################

I've somehow managed to have a bunch of very ambitious undertakings coming
to a head at the same time - this week I am doing the bike ride to conquer
cancer to seattle. i'd totally forgotten it was a friday, i signed up for
it a long time ago and working shifts make me forget days of the week.
also the fact that i somehow need to raise $1500 before Friday so I can
participate is a little stressful.

oh, and i was just traveling for a week, and was supposed to write this
big exam i've been spending all my nights studying for BEFORE i left, but
wasn't able to book it on time so now i've forgotten everything i've
learned in the past two months of cramming, ugh. the goal was study study
write exam traveling bike ride RADIO SHOW but my flowchart is now totally
off schedule (i blame my CAT who went missing for a few days which made me
go all nuts and lose three nights of study time!! damn cat).


also i just want to make sure i have my technology sorted well enough so
the show goes smoothly . i still need to buy a new midi mixer - which is
the type of thing its hard to do when you work graveyards - but i'm going
to get up early and head down to tom lee hopefully tonight and play around
with stuff so i will be able to make a good decision about which i want to
invest in. i can do the show without one but it will be much more of a
hassle and i like things to be simple. they just work better that way. :)

sorry - i will stop rambling at you now. did i mention night shifts make
me weird but i'm back on days in a week??? i just don't like being
unreliable so hope i'm not giving you that impression! honestly once this
bike ride and exam are done my mind will be focused totally on the
show... i have so many ideas bubbling but i have to squish them into the
"later" compartment otherwise i get to excited and can't focus on the
BORING JUNK I AM STUDYING RIGHT NOW.

################################################################################

see zenmaster serra doesn't have her shit together as much as she likes to think she does. i feel better now after some serious yoga and re-prioritizing. pushed back the radio show another week and it looks like i'm going ot have to bail on the bike ride - but the other girl who is on my team ALSO didn't make enough money so i am going to donate my earnings to her so she can do the ride and i will spend the weekend studying. i am going to book my exam for next week TONIGHT and study my face off for one more week and GET IT DONE and then life can keep moving onward and upward.

askldfjskldf also probably not the best idea to choose this week to go off my anti-crazy medication for the first time in two years. but i ran out and have been feeling so very much in control lately.... bad idea.

a few weeks ago a close friend was hitting wits end due to a series of unfortunate events coming to a head all simultaneously. stressed to the max and overwhelmed with doubt and depression, i was unsure if any words i could offer would provide the solace he so much needed, so after some serious hugs i dragged him off to a hot yoga class at Yyoga.

sharing a class with someone close is something i'd never done before, and it was an amazing experience. it brought a new level of awareness to my own practice, and to the personal journey that yoga has taken me on so far. seeing him struggle through his first attempts at downward dog brought me unexpected joy, as i realized this is something that's had a profound impact on my life and i was so glad to be sharing it with someone, especially a friend in need.

i look back on my personal blog to a few years ago and i can't believe the overall transformation my outlook on life has undergone. obviously i've made a lot of significant changes to my lifestyle, but i attribute daily yoga practice as a significant source of truth and clarity. yoga teaches focus on breath and awareness of self, and for me this has manifested in everyday life as a loss of negativity and unwillingness to buy into my own bullshit. it's challenging to lie to yourself on the mat, when all you have to do is breathe.

38 degrees, an hour and a half and about a litre of sweat later, we lay on our mats next to each other feeling both exhausted and elevated. he looked over at me, grinning, and i could tell that momentarily all the hurt and stress had melted away and at that moment all he was thinking of was probably the huge puddle of sweat on his mat, or simply."holy crap." it was beautiful to share that high with someone significant in my life, and made me realize how important it really is to me.

since then i've been thinking that it's very likely i will need to find a partner who shares my passion for yoga if i truly want to be engaged and fulfilled with the relationship. or perhaps it's not yoga specifically - but the well being, self awareness, positivity, simplicity and mindfulness that i've found along the road of my practice so far. either way, the day i find someone who can put these values into everyday life without being pretentious or obnoxious about it, while also being adorable and hilarious, i think will be a very happy day for me indeed. we can grow together as our virabhadrasanas (warriors) grow stronger and laugh at each other as our kakasana (crows)grow old and toes go numb from extended salamba sirsasanas (headstands).

with the openness promoted by the practice i feel it would be very challenging to harbour the toxins that eventually break down relationships. yoga strips away so much of the every day crazy, brings focus inward, while instilling clarity and peace of mind. the asanas (postures) are really only a secondary benefit of the practice. the main goal is to be present, set an intention, and breathe. and smile. and breathe.

 i bought a mac! i've been trying to write about the experience, but i havent had time to render. 

mangikev is here! it's so rad to see that guy, he's just stoppin by on his way back from korea. there has been much trolling, and eating of yummy food.  and some dubstep, and also, alex (afotek) randomly showed up for dave's last sleizure on friday! so thats been neat, a reuinon of sorts.

even better! is that we went SEABALLING the other day. it was f a n t a s t i c. i love the seawall! seriously, want to marry that place. such a refuge with  friends relaxing, nature, beautiful scenery, music, the ocean, friendly peeps and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh am so glad its getting warmer! 

also, i've been recruited to help spearhead the costumed insanity of a lwsd video that's being filmed tomorrow. haha. yeah. it's going to be........... amazing. just sayin. the shoot is going to be redonkulous. 

also i thought this picture was cute. i think cayley and i are going to get married on the seawall this summer. and move to the cat ranch/ drank parlour/ sammich emporium/ happily ever after. pretty good chance.... 



ooooh also a good mang from winnipeg (aeasha) is moving out here! she is coming to be an apprentice to the fantastic russ foxx, who is hands down the best peircer i've ever had. he's the one who did both my dermals as well as my septum. always very professional but excited about everything, awesome attitude. i'm really excited to see how things progress because i think they'll work really well together f- both very passionate about their interests and good people... 

and battlestar galactica is pretty much the greatest show of my life. 

and now you shall suffer what i've had in my head for the past three days:

i've been busy and not posting here, because look! modemgirl.ca is turning into a REAL WEBSITE! with like, content, and regular updates, and NOT LOOKING LIKE SHIT!

next steps are:

embedded player for mixes done!
better flickr integration
cross posting between LJ (with comments if possible?????)
better logo
twitter updates for new posts
more articles about : trolling

in other news, i'm halfway through hour number 60 of work this week!! repentance for my extended six day bday weekend earlier this month,
the week's been fairly chill (knock on wood) so no real complaints, but i'm certainly ready to be not working for a couple days. unfortunately, i only get a day and a half off until i am back on monday MORNING to rejoin you day walkers, no more nights! booooo. thankfully, i'm still on a four day rotation, as opposed to nov/dec where i was stuck on the day shift from hell, and thus a total crab cake for my two least favorite months of the year. so all in all a win, i think. fascinating, i know!

a conversation i had this morning with one of the nerd harem applicants on the topic. (we've never met IRL)

  6:56:52 AM: i think there's a few people who are going to be happy to have me rejoining the land of the living
  6:57:15 AM: yes. let the nerd harem rejoice.
  6:57:21 AM: whatever happened with my damn application?
  6:57:32 AM: better not have been rejected lol
  6:57:37 AM: ahha
  6:57:41 AM: i need to make a form on my website i think
  6:57:48 AM: hahaha
  7:02:42 AM: guess what
  7:02:46 AM: what?
  7:03:00 AM: nerdharem.com nerdharem.net <--- available
  7:03:02 AM: so is the nerdharem.*
  7:03:08 AM: ahahahahhahaha
  7:03:13 AM: i mean thenerdharem.com
  7:03:40 AM: i think modemgirl.ca/nerdharem will suffice
  7:03:41 AM: btw so is geekharem
  7:03:42 AM: lol
  7:03:44 AM: HAHAHA
  7:03:50 AM: which would you prefer?
  7:03:51 AM: i'm just saying
  7:04:05 AM: when the Nerd Harem goes NerdHaremInc.
  7:04:14 AM: you'll wish you had it
  7:06:09 AM: you're right

did i mention how much i love this place recently? 72 hour work weeks are a lot easier to deal with when you work with a bunch of people who are awesome. except the one who is supposed to be here now so i can go home! jeeeeez... oh well, guess i'll have to stay until the cookies of the infamous COOKIE FRIDAY get here! om nom nom

originally posted at modemgirl.ca

this arrived in my inbox yesterday, and for some reason i find it to be one of the most disturbing spams i’ve ever received. i’m not sure if i want to know what it says or not.